Blackhawk

Bushmills puts the God in "Oh my God, I think I'm going to be sick." I must've pissed off the 800 pound gorilla in the room, and he's giving me a world-class ass kicking because my skull feels like it's being crushed. I don't dare open my eyes. My tongue feels like I licked a sandbox, and tastes like the indiscernible mixture of smells in decomposing bar air. This hangover is definitely in the top five all time worst. Can you die from a hangover? Nah, I couldn't get that lucky.

Samantha laughs, "Was it everything you hoped it would be?" She's standing in the doorway, and smells freshly showered. I still refuse to open my eyes.

"You betcha," I whispered, but thought I was yelling. I find it hard to think about anything besides the two gallons of water and the hangover mixture that's waiting in fridge. Sam made it for me last night. God I love this woman.

I threw off the covers and sat up gingerly. Yep, the best part of this day is going to be bedtime. I wander to the fridge and grab the hangover drink. I reach above the fridge and grab a vitamin c tab, a vitamin d tab, two aspirin, and a L-cysteine tablet. I chase those down with the mixture of OJ, milk, a banana, V-8 juice and a little salt and nutmeg. I should start to feel better in a bit. I set that container down and grabbed one of the gallon jugs of water, popped the top off and drank 'til I was breathless, took a break, repeat.

Sam puts her arms around me, kisses my chest, "You smell like a bar. Get your ass in the shower."

"Your compassion is overwhelming."

"I'll be compassionate if you develop prostate cancer. The 'in sickness and health' clause doesn't cover hangovers." We laughed.

"You have an odd sense of humor, honey," I said.

"It's why you love me," she says. "I gotta go. Brush your teeth and gimme kiss."

I obeyed.

After she'd left, I went to the bathroom and started the shower. I got in and tried to figure out how I got in this condition.

I wandered in around 4:30 and the party was in full swing. Trev seemed to be holding court. Outstandingly spry considering his state of mind earlier in the morning. That hangover cure must be the ticket.

"What's up, fellas," I say. Randy gestures to a chair where a 24 oz beer and a shot of Bushmills wait expectantly. I get seated and notice there's an empty shot glass in front of everyone.

"Couldn't wait on ya any longer. You were holding up the party," Kevin says.

I glance at Randy who is spinning his phone on the tabletop with a knowing smirk. I glance at Eddie, he gestures toward the bar. Faith is working. Comedy.

I get her attention, hold up five fingers, and point to my soon to be empty shot glass, and give her the thumbs up. Five Bushmills, please. Thanks.

I drain my shot. Set it down and ask, "Where's Seth?"

"Someone had an extra ticket to Miami for some music convention. So he headed out a couple of hours ago," Eddie says. I nod.

To Trev, "So you said you had something to tell me. Gimme."

"I think Trev is officially sick of Sherri," says Eddie.

"Hey, this is my damn story. I'll tell it," Trev interrupts.

"I was there," Eddie foreshadows.

Faith arrives with the shots, sets them down and glances across the table at Kevin who smiles that "we've got a secret" smile. Yeah, we have your secret too, Kev. But that'll keep. We distribute the shots, knock 'em back and Randy says

"Give, Trev."

"All right. Well Sherri has been on my nerves for a while and, frankly, I want her to move out. We have a sweet apartment and I don't want to give it up. Plus, I'd rather lick the floor at a peep show than move." Groans all around.

"Anyway, we're up the street at Nola's having some drinks. We're knocking 'em back 'til about 9 and guess who walks in?" He gestures toward Eddie. "So Eddie sits down, breaks out the pics of the new baby and is just, in general, the cliched annoying new father." Eddie tosses him the bird and says, "Hey, he's a good-looking kid, takes after his dad!" Laughter.

"So after a few more cocktails, one of Sherri's friends shows up from work. She proceeds to get loaded and just annoy the hell out of me."

"No doubt, the cheerleader on speed," Eddie says, "She sucks."

"I'm sitting there and looking at Sherri. Looking at whatever her freaking name is. And I'm thinking I'm so sick of this chick. Just positively sick of her. I would chew my own leg off to get away from her." We laugh. Trev is legendary for making life changing decisions with a fifth in him
"At about this time Eddie gets up and goes to the bathroom," he pauses for effect. I glance at my now empty beer glass. Kevin gestures for another round of beers and shots. They arrive suspiciously fast. Everyone slams the shots and sips the beer. Trev wipes his mouth and continues,

"Sherri and what's her name are just gabbing away. I look over at the restrooms, 'cause I need to take a leak too. Then, I notice the door. And that the door and the bathrooms are in the same general direction." Eddie busts out laughing at this point. You can see where this might be headed, but it got much better.

"I look at Sherri and I say,'hey, I'm going to the restroom real quick.' She barely even acknowledged me!" I take a long pull from my beer. Thinking that this beer tastes better than sex after a day of memorizing A&P law.

"I bump into Eddie and I say, 'let's go.' He's like, 'go where?'" At this point Eddie is nearly on the floor. "I'm all 'to Blackhawk.'"

"Then I say," Eddie jumps in, 'you gonna tell Sherri?'"

"I was like, nah, I'm sick of her. Then we leave and we drove to Blackhawk to do some gambling!"

"Let me get this straight. You told Sherri that you were going to the bathroom, and then you left and drove an hour and a half to gamble," Randy surmises.

"That covers it to this point," Trev says.

"That's not the half of it," Eddie urges Trev along.

"Well, I don't have the best luck in the world." We all nod in agreement. If there is a person alive that shouldn't be gambling, it's Trev. "So I proceeded to lose all of my discretionary income." Nothing particularly shocking about that. I take a big gulp of beer, contemplating another shot. Randy beat me to the punch, he's gesturing to Faith. I glance at Kevin.

"Well, I wasn't ready to leave yet," he smirks," So I broke out the bill money and the rent money." Drinks deeply, "And lost all that shit, too!" Everyone is laughing their ass off at this point. Kevin has his hand over his mouth in disbelief, and I can't help but think it's some sort of miracle that Trev is still amongst the living.

"You spent all of the rent and bill money," Kevin asks. Trev nods.

"Then, "I'm in disbelief, "we decide to drive back. I mean, you know it's four in the morning and I have a job to go to. Not like the golf pro here." He juts a thumb in Eddie's direction, who shrugs.

"So we get outside my house, and mind you I'm shit canned already, I ask Eddie if he has any cabbage on him. He's like, 'yeah.' I'm like come on in and let's partake of that. You need 5-6 servings a day you know." The drinks arrive.

" So Sherri hates this stuff to begin with, but she thinks that we still have money to pay rent and the bills and I haven't figured out how to break the bad news to her, either." We're starting to draw attention we're laughing so hard. Sherri was not a favorite of the crew.

"So we start blazing up and Sherri storms out of the bedroom. Freaking hair everywhere screaming'where the hell have you been.' I got the blunt in my hand. I take a toke, hold it in trying to think of something to say--realizing this could get really ugly. I hand the blunt to Eddie, and I just said 'Blackhawk.' Like I went to the store for a loaf of bread and some milk." Laughter.

"She screams at me, 'you have no idea how fucking pissed I am at you right now!' And I want him and that out of here right now, talking about Eddie and the cabbage." We all take our shots .

"I say," I look at Eddie and he's shaking his head,"Well, you're about to be really pissed. I spent all the rent and bill money." We can't wait to hear Sherri's reaction.

"What'd Sherri say?" Randy slurred.

"She just screams like someone's killing her. Like over and over again. Then she slams her head into her hands and starts sobbing and crying and asking why I hate her so much."Trev is dying laughing as are the rest of us, "And I just started laughing and said, 'I don't know. I just do.'" Uproarious laughter from everyone and I notice that people have gathered around to hear this story.

"So what did she end up doing," I asked.

"She called whatever that girl's name is and went over there. Said she'd be by later in the week to get the rest of her stuff." He shrugged.

"Well now there's the small problem of paying your rent and bills this month," I noticed I was slurring and another shot didn't sound appetizing as I noticed Eddie gesturing to a new waitress who had come on.

"Nah, golf pro here is floating me a loan. Thanks again, bro," he raised his glass to Eddie. That's when it occurs to me.

"The new father was out until all hours of the night boozing, gambling and harvesting the cabbage? What'd Christine have ta say 'bout that?" I asked.

The drinks arrive sometime around here, I think.

"Oh, I'm so far in the dog house you might need a GPS tracking device to find my ass. I might have to crash with Trev here for a while. Man, she's pissed!!" I thought to myself she was probably at the end of her rope with Eddie, but that's for another day.

I knocked back another shot and the rest of my beer. Noticed that we'd put another happy hour to bed and thought it's about time to head home. But this is where Trev talked me, Randy and Kevin into "just one more." Eddie, exercising a wisdom that only comes with self-inflicted marital problems, opted to head home. The way my head feels, I should have done the same.