Funny and Magnificent

Life is both funny and magnificent. I guess you're going to want an explanation. Fair enough.

Last night two of our friends,a couple, welcomed their first child into the world. So we drove to the hospital to offer our congratulations and welcome their bundle of joy. On our way we drove past this restaurant. Context is everything. To reach this particular hospital, from our house, you've gotta drive through downtown Denver. The hood. Ho Mei Chinese Food Restaurant. Get it? Sam almost wrecked my car. I almost spit beer all over the dash. Hilarious.

Not long after that we stood before a beautiful baby girl and two proud parents. One boasting she's ready to go home. The other making a valiant attempt at stifling a showing of pride. Magnificent. I ain't making it up.

Thanksgiving

It happens without warning. Sitting there throwing back a shot here. Another there. Once interesting bar names, now irrelevant. Spill. Mynt. Monarck. Blue Ice. Who gives a fuck, really? Seriously. You're more smashed now than you ever thought possible, and you're not done. Not even close.

In your infinite wisdom, you order Johnnie Walker black--on ice. A sign of brilliance. You eye the bartender while she pours the smoky intoxicating liquor. Gotta make sure she doesn't short ya. Because you need all of it. Of course you do. Your constitution and tolerance know no bounds. Of course they don't. You're Superman. Ten feet tall and made of steel. Of course you are.

It happens without warning. You wake on Thanksgiving morning with a hangover that would fell King Kong. Your wife looking at you as if to say, "You're brilliant." Instead she says, "You've got the turkey, you know." And laughs. I ain't making it up.

The Now

It doesn't happen often. Coming across a bumper sticker that rises above the vapid and peurile. But this one managed. It deals with the only important aspect of our existence. The now. I ain't making it up.

By the way, the sticker reads, "I believe in life BEFORE death."

Comedy

Today is weigh-in and measuring day. So while sane people slept I weighed myself and measured my bodyfat and waist. It's funny to me. I didn't pay much attention to what I ate, other than avoiding the usual suspects, but I lost seven pounds. But don't get me wrong. This is no declaration of victory. I'm not saying it's all over. Just that it's an auspicious beginning.

Weight:216
Bodyfat percentage: 10.5 (Accu-measure)
Waist: 34.5

I know it's the first week. So some of the weight lost is water and other "stuff." But I think it's hilarious that I did nothing more than choose healthier foods and make it to the gym 6 times this week. No magic potions. No secrets. Just good ol' fashioned uncommon common sense. I ain't making it up.

Diet

Antipathetic. That's the only way to describe my feelings about diets. By diets I mean abstaining from foods I enjoy. By diet I mean deprivation and conjuring up Draconian measures,like not eating an entire segment of macro-nutrients (i.e. carbohydrates). But perhaps the way we think of the word "diet" is the problem.

It's rare that we use the word "diet" in any way other than to warn those around us that we may fly into a fit of stabbing and slashing at any second. And for no other reason than we're starving. Nothing personal. Just a little starving. Just a little starving because I can't have this. Oh, I can't have that. Oh, I'm on the Atkins. Oh, I'm on the South Beach. Oh, all that can go to hell.

Listen: when we think of the word "diet" we shouldn't think of a caloric intake that would emaciate a hummingbird. Instead, we should think of changing what we eat day after day. No more drive-thru trans fat trips. Instead, we eat foods from a healthier selection. And eat lots of those foods. But don't get me wrong. If turning yourself into a parody by way of starvation sounds like fun, I'll laugh.

Special Moments

Pain, or the threat of it, has this way of bringing focus. Something you notice when holding 250 pounds above your chest. Incline presses are definitely mind clearing. Not too concerned about yesterday, tomorrow, what song's playing on my iPod, or any other of life's travails. None of that. I've heard the breaking of a bone sounds like a tree branch snapping, and my only concern was not experimenting with my own clavicle. It's that sort of concern you confront upon realizing you've overestimated yourself. The holy shit moment.

This is not the holy shit moment that normally accompanies the witnessing of something unexpected.The two are discrete. Yeah, this is the holy shit moment that comes only when you realize you're not John Wayne.That Superman is a comic book character. This is the holy shit moment that comes when you realize you're faced with imminent injury,and you did it all by yourself. Go. Me.

Nostratrevus

"How the hell do you do it," I asked somewhere in the neighborhood of my fourth beer.

"What're you talking about," Trev said. Feigned ignorance.

"Oh, is this your coy act? How in the hell did you pick Louisville to beat West Virginia one week; and, then, the very next week you pick Rutgers to beat Louisville," I asked.

He laughed a bit,drained his beer and shrugged. "I just have it like that."

"You have it like this," I said and shot him the finger. Fuck I hate picking up the tab. I ain't making it up.

Fitness Magazines

I don't do deprivation. I don't care if it's emotional, spiritual, physical, or intellectual. Deprivation is for someone else. Oh, I know there were some religious sects that believed deprivation, self-flagellation and abnegation were the keys to their spiritual salvation. I don't subscribe to any of those theories. No, in general, I subscribe to a philosophy marked by debauchery and hedonism. The way I see things, I'm only going around once. No deprivation for me, thanks.

Nonetheless, I'm curious as to whether I can get a set of six-pack abs. You know the kind that are seen on the covers of magazines. But without the aid of Photoshop, or pharmaceuticals of a dubious nature (i.e. steroids).

So with that in mind, today I weighed myself, bought an Accumeasure and a measuring tape. So, here's the good, bad, and the ugly.

I weighed 223 pounds with a bodyfat measurement of 12 percent.My waist is 35.5." Oh, and I'm 6'2." I guess I should be losing somewhere between 1-2 pounds a week. In case that somehow matters to you.

Anyway, here's the goal. I want a body fat percentage of 4.9. If you're the inquisitive type, you might wonder how I settled on that number. Simple. I have never been that lean. I have approached it at 7.2, but never been below 5. Also, because intuition tells me that in order to have a serious set of abs, it's necessary to have a body fat measurement below five percent. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

So here's the deal, I'm going to diet and workout consistently until March 21, 2007. Then, we'll see where I am. That date sounds as though it's a long way off, but it's not. Not when you're trying to call bullshit on the fitness mag industry.

Well, I guess it's not so much trying to call bullshit, as it is challenging myself. But anyone that knows me, knows I would love to be able to say, "I did it without the aid of deprivation."

Oh and by the way, this isn't going to turn into a fitness blog. I'll mention my little experiment and all that pedestrian bullshit, but in the end you'll be subjected to my dramatizations of drunken nights, mental meanderings and just bullshit in general. So, I guess, nothing has really changed. I ain't making it up.