The glitzy, polished mags with absurdly fit models taunting you from the covers. You've seen them, if you've ever found yourself standing in line at the grocery store. Wasp waisted women wearing bikinis and smug countenances. Men with "six pack" abs and similar expressions. "Look like this in just 8 weeks" the caption screams.My ass. They probably don't look like that either. I ain't making it up. Peep this.
Nonetheless, I haven't been in the gym for about a month. I need to get in there and get it right, buddy. Winter/Fall time is a good time to get ripped for the Spring/Summer season. Right? See if I can have an eau naturale six pack. Rock and roll, baby. Lock and load, baby.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Tragedies to Comedies
What's the worst thing that's happened to you? If answering that question is an arduous task, it's probably not that bad, or you've had an absurdly fucked up life. If it's the latter, you have stories to tell. But you really shouldn't. People wouldn't believe them. But you have my condolences. In any event, I saw some people last night that could probably relate.
Lying there flipping through hundreds of banal channels. A nun trying to sell--whatever. Are you serious? Click. A blonde madman seizing over a piece of bullshit exercise equipment. Click. An octogenarian and a rotisserie machine that simultaneously cooks multiple chickens. Like chicken, do ya gramps? Go easy on the Grecian Formula, homey. Click. An ab roller. The credulity of the general public has no limits. Click. A man with eyes abjectly devoid of emotion staring at me. His face heavily tattooed with what I learned are gang tattoos. Hold on a second. I put the remote down.
A documentary about prison gangs in Africa. New inmates were arriving. The interviewer asked the formidable gang member, "What's going to happen to them?"
"Some will be raped, some will be stabbed," he said with all the aplomb of acknowledging today is Friday. He went on to discuss life inside prison. He chillingly recounted raping his first man at the age of 10. That's right, 10. Other gang members held a rival member down and let a 10-year-old rape him. He smiled wistfully, chuckled and said, "Can you imagine?"
The interviewer asked, "Are you serious?"
A baleful stare, "Do you doubt that it happens?"
A stammering, "No. I don't."
"Then don't ask such questions. You're not as safe as you might think," wryly smiling.
Suddenly my life tragedies seem like comedies. Imagine the lives of the new inmates. An unrelenting psychopath stalking your manhood and life. If you're lucky enough not to have a late night visitor, imagine lying in your cell and listening to the dissonant, horrific sounds filling the air.
And earlier in the day I was off the deep end pissed because the dry cleaners shrunk a pair of my linen pants. That's hilarious in an embarrassing, pathetic sort of way. I ain't making it up.
Lying there flipping through hundreds of banal channels. A nun trying to sell--whatever. Are you serious? Click. A blonde madman seizing over a piece of bullshit exercise equipment. Click. An octogenarian and a rotisserie machine that simultaneously cooks multiple chickens. Like chicken, do ya gramps? Go easy on the Grecian Formula, homey. Click. An ab roller. The credulity of the general public has no limits. Click. A man with eyes abjectly devoid of emotion staring at me. His face heavily tattooed with what I learned are gang tattoos. Hold on a second. I put the remote down.
A documentary about prison gangs in Africa. New inmates were arriving. The interviewer asked the formidable gang member, "What's going to happen to them?"
"Some will be raped, some will be stabbed," he said with all the aplomb of acknowledging today is Friday. He went on to discuss life inside prison. He chillingly recounted raping his first man at the age of 10. That's right, 10. Other gang members held a rival member down and let a 10-year-old rape him. He smiled wistfully, chuckled and said, "Can you imagine?"
The interviewer asked, "Are you serious?"
A baleful stare, "Do you doubt that it happens?"
A stammering, "No. I don't."
"Then don't ask such questions. You're not as safe as you might think," wryly smiling.
Suddenly my life tragedies seem like comedies. Imagine the lives of the new inmates. An unrelenting psychopath stalking your manhood and life. If you're lucky enough not to have a late night visitor, imagine lying in your cell and listening to the dissonant, horrific sounds filling the air.
And earlier in the day I was off the deep end pissed because the dry cleaners shrunk a pair of my linen pants. That's hilarious in an embarrassing, pathetic sort of way. I ain't making it up.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Sorta Funny
| You Have a Choleric Temperament |
 You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior. |
Friday, October 13, 2006
Still Screwing Around
| Your Observation Skills Get An A |
 Hardly anything gets by you... You have a great memory and eagle eyes |
Screwing Around
If only the bar exam was a test of logic.
| You Are Incredibly Logical |
 Move over Spock - you're the new master of logic You think rationally, clearly, and quickly. A seasoned problem solver, your mind is like a computer! |
Monday, October 02, 2006
Irony
Two outlandishly conventional people standing in line at Starbuck's, waiting to buy a $4 cup of coffee. Whiling away the time by assailing consumerism. These same two amorphous suburbanites discussing the malevolence of materialism as they slide behind the wheel of their Subarus. Irony is everywhere, you just have to pay attention.
This past weekend, I came across the definition of catholic. It means universal and all-embracing. I re-read the definition a few times. Stifled a laugh, and wallowed in the irony. I ain't making it up.
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