10 Things That Piss Me Off

No, really, I woke up in a good mood this morning. Unusually good mood, actually. Then, I went to the fridge and started rummaging through it trying to find something to eat. That's when it happened. The Today Show was running a piece about valet parking attendants going through your car. Deplorable. Pissed me off. So I started thinking about the other things that piss me off. They are innumerable, really, which may be cause for some measure of alarm, but here are ten. In no particular order.

10. Jerry Jones. This man is the single worst thing that has ever happened to the Dallas Cowboys. The only good thing he ever did for that organization is to hire Jimmy Johnson, and then he screwed that up.

9. Self-important pricks in middle-management. Seriously, fuck your Dockers.

8. Pharmaceutical ads on TV. Seriously, aside from being just flat annoying, they are a constant reminder of the frailty of the human condition. Like I need that shit in my life. There you are enjoying (insert your viewing choice here) and here comes a Levitra ad with a little porn music in the back. Reminding you that one day you are going to get old and need some "assistance." Thanks, prick. Pun intended.

7. Exxon Mobil, Chevron, Shell and Conoco Phillips. If I need to explain this one to you, it is a big beautiful world out there and you should go forth and discover.

6. The myopic and self-absorbed attitude of SUV drivers.

5. Globalization. The only thing I want homogeneous is my milk. And even that concerns me some.

4. The pseudo-Mohawk. You know the one I am talking about. You don't shave the sides of your head, but you take some hair gel and sort of spike it in the middle. Who's idea was that?!

3. Celebrity worship. Brangelina and Tomkat. Who thinks of these ridiculous names? Nevermind that. People need to be more concerned with their own lives, rather than the lives of people who not only don't care anything about you, but probably loathe you. Beyond that, there are more important things to concern yourself with other than who is knocked up and who needs a cheeseburger and fries in their life. I mean, don't look now, but your Congressman is probably signing a bill into law that he hasn't even read. That has way more relevance in your life than any celebrity.

2. Kobe Bryant. Because he is a rapist who should be shooting jumpers in Canyon City. For those of you outside Colorado, that's where our state prison is located. Seriously, the man is a criminal and yet the PR branch of the NBA (more commonly known as the sports media) makes him out to be some heroic figure. Yeah, be heroic when Bubba does the same to you, rape boy.

1. Starbucks. Because it masquerades as an independent, earthy, environmentally conscious coffee house, and it is nothing more than a corporation. Wholly unconcerned with anything other than its image, and how that image translates to its bottom line.

Honorable Mention

Puff Daddy. Because his only talent is sampling the originality of true artists.

Paris Hilton. Because she just sucks in general.

The great decider, George W. Bush. Seriously, fuck him.

Outsourcing overseas, and the oppressive conditions multinational corporations perpetuate in the name of cheap labor.