Enlightenment

Defining enlightenment is an arduous undertaking. Much like defining intelligence, the definition hinges on who you ask. Some say enlightenment is a state of consciousness in which there are no doubts and uncertainty. Others, the equally ambiguous "see into one's own nature." I dunno, you decide for yourself. For me, enlightenment is seeing the truth. Knowing what's bullshit, and what isn't.

Yesterday, while surfing Internet news, I ran headlong into yet another story about someone suing McDonald's because he's obese. You've seen this movie before. He claims that the fast food industry made him fat. An obscenely pedestrian and predictable claim anymore. But even worse, it's an abomination against truth.

Listen: You would think someone said there are free doughnuts in the courts the way people are hauling ass to get there. Usually, the defendant is McDonald's. The claim: McDonald's made me fat. This is beyond bullshit. It was bullshit when that woman sued, and won, a claim against McDonald's because she spilled her hot ass coffee all over herself. But McDonald's made me fat? That's new and improved bullshit. Super bullshit. In fact, bullshit doesn't quite capture it. I need a new adjective for this one. But nevermind that, for now.

The assumption is that McDonald's somehow wronged you in order for you to bring suit. What did McDonald's do? The latest "claimant" suggests that McDonald's mislead him about the nutritional value of its food. My incredulity was lodged firmly in my throat and was killing me slowly. Does someone have to tell you that a cheeseburger the size of Nebraska isn't the best thing in the world for you? Or how about the mythically proportioned French fries--deep fried by the way--and an equally biblical soda? Does someone have to tell you it's not health food? If someone does, this is easy, you're a fucktard.

Honestly, McDonald's doesn't deliver. So that means "claimant" has to drive his ass down to McDonald's, stand in line, look over the menu, order, pay, go home and eat enough food to feed Eastern Europe. What did McDonald's do except give you what you wanted? Seriously, claimant is going to have to man up and accept some responsibility for his astronomical cholesterol level. He is a volitional being with the capacity to make his own decisions, and he chose the Mickey D's route. Then named McD's as a defendant. I think he did have some help with identifying a defendant, though.

Morgan Spurlock filmed an entertaining, educational documentary about the ill-effects of eating McDonald's three times a day, while taking a minimalist approach to exercise. Over the course of the "experiment" he received periodical physical examinations. The results of those examinations weren't good. Precipitous weight gain, cholesterol heading skyward, and his liver was somewhere in purgatory and descending fast. All the while blaming McDonald's for all of his failing health. Funny where fads begin.

If someone has to tell you that eating McDonald's three times a day, particularly the meals Spurlock was eating, is going to be adverse to your health, you're in an irreversible vegetative state and someone should pull the fucking plug. Particularly if you watched this documentary, and didn't notice that Spurlock was making the choice to eat at McDonald's. All through the documentary Spurlock speaks ad nauseum about how terrible the food is for you and stuffs his face with the shit. Then, he blames McD's for his failing health. Comical and amusing; good entertainment, but should not serve as a model for naming defendants in litigation.

The basic tenet of the court system is that it exists to provide relief and justice to those wronged by others. It's not there to provide a financial windfall for those who inflict harm upon themselves. Yet judges' dockets are clogged all over the country with these spurious and ridiculous claims. Blocking the avenue of relief for those the court was designed. Asshattery abounds and annoys.

There are people out the who have legitimate claims for relief. I just hope they're not blocked from timely relief because some burger and fries shoveling jackass thinks it's McD's fault that he hasn't seen his dick since Jesus was a baby. Because the truth is that he did it to himself, and he needs to Atlas up and shoulder the blame.

Now, don't you feel enlightened?